Is it really the best policy?
Some might say yes, others no. Me? I’m right in between. I hate when I’m being lied to, yet to avoid sympathy or a multitude of questions, I’m quick to tell someone all’s well, even if it’s not. All my life I’ve been military. A military brat; a soldier myself. Putting on a straight face has been my method of getting through the toughest things my entire life. When I say I carry an awesome poker face, well..I really do. It’s worked, mostly. That is until today.
It’s just been one of those days that wouldn’t allow me to escape honesty no matter what. Every thought, every emotion, every feeling. Overwhelmed without warning. Hell, it’s written all over my face. I’d lose every hand in a poker game today. I’m pretty much an expert at keeping it together and not cracking under pressure, but let me be honest. Not today and I couldn’t tell you why if my life depended on it. Maybe it’s because tomorrow is my last in-office visit with my Peri? Or, maybe it’s that it’s also my pre-op appointment for Thursday’s delivery. I can’t really put a finger on it, but the reality that life is about to change – drastically to say the least – has taken a toll on me. I’m exhausted.
Between the phone calls from family telling me to suck it up and that we’re out of time and the random strangers commenting on the mass amount of help we’ll need, it’s getting to be a bit aggravating. Honestly? It’s starting to piss me off. But, shit. Are they telling the truth?? Anyone who is reading this & knows me IRL, knows that’s an understatement. I have a pretty short tolerance level for stupidity & ignorance, with a sharp tongue to go along with it. I’ve done pretty well this entire pregnancy – for the most part at least – in keeping my temper/emotions under wraps, but I’m at my wits-end. I just can’t hide what I really feel anymore. Random folks stopping me constantly to ask when I’m due. The first question out of one’s trap when they learn its triplets is “Did you do IVF?” Who cares? Uneducated people who have no idea about infertility, let alone it’s treatments. It’s becoming quite redundant. While it’s not my job to educate others in Infertility 101, I have no issue in doing so. But…on my terms, not theirs. Oh, let me not forget the best of all: “Are you ready?” Hubbz, yes. Me? Hell no.
I can make no promises that I’ll get through this without using an entire box of tissue, so just bear with me. It might make sense, then again it might not. My apologies. Today’s a rough one & this is going to be a difficult post to get through. While I’m not discounting anyone else or their feelings, please do hear me out. I gotta get this off my chest while I still can. So whether you like it or not, this is MY “Honesty.”
Hubbz and I’ve struggled our entire marriage to have kids. There was a point where he believed with all his heart that it was his fault we weren’t able to get pregnant. So much so that it affected our relationship deeply. He became sad and withdrawn. Watching me go through surgery after surgery was difficult for him. It’s always been me. Never a broken thing about him, except his heart. Every time I’d wake up from a procedure, he was right there. Every time I’d lose it emotionally, he never lost his patience. When I got pregnant in 2011 from our very first IVF cycle with Kaleb, he was very happy. Shopping for clothes, picturing what he’d look like, pointing out other little boys and telling me “I saw our son today.” Little things and remarks that would just show how anxious he was to be a Dad, let alone to a son. I’ve never seen my husband cry. But when I couldn’t hang on to Kaleb anymore, I watched him lose all of his glow. Yet, he still held it together. Kind of like I do. No matter what & through it all he never once left my side. He’s continued to love me and support my broken body, heart, & confidence throughout this entire journey. Supportive of SR, had we gone ahead and chose it. Encouraging. Constantly reminding me that everything will be alright.
“It’s going to be okay babe. You hear me?” He’s always saying.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband or supporter. Funny thing is, this coming weekend is Father’s Day. It’s amazing how some things have a way of working themselves out. My husband won’t have to wait for another year to celebrate that day. He’ll have 3 little boys to revel over, albeit in the NICU. Regardless, I can’t tell you how happy that makes me as his wife. To see him light up the way he does when people ask him if he’s excited. I tend to just step back and watch him bask in the glory of it all. He can take all the spotlight and it wouldn’t matter to me one bit.
I still worry and have a hard time believing that it will all be alright even though I know otherwise. Honestly. Why? Because that’s just me. I worry that he’ll be overwhelmed. That he’ll get tired and frustrated & walk out. I know that I should know better, but I still can’t help it. I just don’t want him to suffer. Under any circumstances. We’ve fought for this our entire marriage and now that it’s being awarded, it’s almost unreal. Maybe that’s because I haven’t been able to enjoy the pregnancy one bit. Here we are at the finish line and I never got to relax.
I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. Why did we get blessed with 3? What made us so special that we were deemed capable of caring for 3 infants at once? I’m grateful for the blessing – we both are – but let’s be real for a minute. That’s a drastic change. No children (living at least) to 3! It’s scary. This pregnancy hasn’t been the easiest. The roller-coaster of emotions, the financial aspect, the constant statistic throwing doctors and their visits, the extra testing and poking & prying…I could go on & on. At the end of the day when someone comes to me and believe it or not, I’ve had several…and tells me that they wished they had triplets (some wish for twins) to get it all over with, I just want to slap the shit out of them. Honestly. If I never have anymore children, I will be happy with the 3 that are about to grace us with their presence, that’s for sure. If I had to do this all over again, and was asked if we still wanted to transfer 3 embryos I’d probably say no. Call it what you will. Having multiples isn’t easy. I don’t care what anyone says. My body isn’t made for this & we’re not filthy rich. We’re comfortable. We could live off one income with changes for the long-term if we chose. Key word being “chose.” But who wants to? I don’t and that’s the truth. I enjoy coming and going as we please and doing the things we do. I appreciate the luxuries we’ve worked hard for. Our home, vehicles, savings, vacations, etc… Honestly, a lot of that has to change now that there are 3 kids the same age, going through the same life changes, at the same damn time. I’ve read about multiples families who’ve been gifted vehicles, houses, money, etc. Who the hell does that? Where does it come from? A house? Car? Really? Everything we’ve done, we’ve had to do on our own. No handouts except for some free formula and diapers & discounts at some retailers. I’m fine with that though. Really I am. The hardest to swallow is that not one person in our families has offered to step up (minus a couple aunts). The same family that’s constantly offering up parenting advice and always reaching for handouts from us. Yea, okay. Honestly? We didn’t get the joys of a shower because I’ve spent the entire pregnancy limited on what I can and can’t do. Not bed bound, but pretty much required to be a hermit. Well, I guess you could say “modified bed-rest.” If I’ve gone somewhere, it’s in a wheelchair or scooter. The shower would’ve been nice. But we still registered. I got texts and calls from folks saying we were out of line for registering without having a “real” shower. Would you believe that my IRL friends, a couple bloggie friends, and a handful of Hubbz coworkers were all that’s graced us with their love??? Jaw-dropping isn’t it? Not that it truly matters, it’s just the principal. If you didn’t care for our “announcement” all you had to do was throw it away and keep your trap shut. Take that mess elsewhere, ’cause I’m pretty fed up.
But seriously…of all the glory of having multiples that I’ve read about, none talk about the medical bills, the emotional turmoil, the marital strain, & the financial strain. Let’s not forget about the extreme physical strain. Why not? Is it because you forget it? Don’t care to acknowledge it? Whatever your secrets are, please do share. And I don’t mean WIC or Food Stamps either. Shit, we wouldn’t qualify anyway ’cause we make too much money. Hubbz alone makes to much. We’re not at poverty level. Riiiggghhtt. I sure as hell hope we don’t get there either once these little vamps arrive.
Ugh, back to reality. Truth is, I’m scared. Not really of the surgery but more of the what comes after. Not the NICU, but at home. PPD is very real & I’m at high risk just because I have a multiples pregnancy. I’m worried if I’ll end up with it, since my little sister had it pretty bad with her son. I’ve been told it can be hereditary. I hope not. I’m afraid of not being able to handle 3 little ones. I love my little vampires, I really do. I would do anything for them and I never want them to question an ounce of mine or their Dad’s love. But I don’t know if I’m capable. What if I forget to set the alarm to feed them? What if my boys have long-term complications that the doctors haven’t caught? Will we be able to care for them adequately? Do we have everything they need? Will I be a good Mother? Will my temper get out of control? What if I just can’t handle it?? I stressed & worried way less while on deployments in a war-zone….unbelievable!
Oh God, the things that have gone through my head. Some still are. I know in my heart at the end of the day that it will be alright. But, for what its worth, I just can’t help feeling how I do today. Finally getting to this point after such a journey is emotionally draining. The entire time my focus has been on cooking these little ones for as long as my body would allow for. Never once have I had the pleasure of embracing the pregnancy until now. And yet, it’s over in a matter of days or if you’re technical like me, hours… I know some of you will find my post offensive because you just do. Well, I can’t help how you take it. I don’t feel like those who already have children truly understand where I’m coming from. Whether it’s because I don’t have any other kids, or it’s because I am carrying 3. Either way, I just don’t think you get it. No disrespect…but your age-spaced older children/toddlers are not the same as having 3 at once with none prior.
The gift of science will be one I’m always going to be grateful for. My family will always look to it for help, provided that opportunity graces again. Truth is, I am looking forward to meeting my 3 little boys. I’ve fought long and hard to have them & I only pray that this will get easier with each passing day & with high hopes these emotions will subside.
Honestly… I hope I can do this right.
Oh yea, before I forget… I have some shout-outs I must give.
First, I need to thank whoever submitted my info to Lost & Found (LFCA). I appreciate the love and support that whoever you are have shown. The fact that you took time out of your day to acknowledge little ole’ me says a lot. I hope I can give the same level of support or have done the same in return. *Hugs*
Mia: Chica, I know you’re reading this. I promise I’ll get to your award nomination sometime this year. LOL ;) Thank you for being my BFF and for supporting me. The gifts you sent are much appreciated. Your friendship is treasured more than you know or care to acknowledge. Oh yea, congratulations on the new J.O.B.!! I’m on pins and needles to have that damn pumpkin beer this year…..might need 4 bottles for myself. Love ya! :)
Jamie: Dude..have I told you how much you rock my little cheerleader??? ;) Your Saturday texts always make me smile. I can always count on your cheers in the background. Thank you. Thank you for being an awesome supporter and friend to say the least. I know you’ve been through a lot in this pregnancy and I hope I can return the same love and support you’ve shown me. :) And, btw…no matter how humble you choose to be, those blankets you made and sent freakin’ rock!! We both love them and can’t wait for the boys to see them. *Hugs!!*
Mary: If you’re reading this, Girl, thanks for keeping me off the ledge today and partaking in my last supper as a free-bird this evening. Hang in there. I know it seems like a very long time before you’ll deliver your 3 girls (yep folks, she’s having triplet girls) but they’ll be here soon. Indeed your pregnancy has been a tumultuous one, but just hang tight. I’m here if you need me and appreciate your support and friendship all the same too. I can’t wait for the play-dates, LOL… :)
Much love, many hugs, & mad respect to you guys!!